Dearest Lost Boy
7 min readBy Tearz Ayuen
Stop shopping for girls in Africa. It is not worth it. Stop it! A girl is a girl. If you cannot find a marriageable South Sudanese sweet girl wherever you are; be it United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand or the United Kingdoms, please try any other African girl or even a Latino, African American, Spanish or Chinese or Aborigine. If none suits you at all, try celibacy. Just remain single for the rest of your life. Won’t you?
A Jamaican journalist and politician, Marcus Garvey once said that, “a people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots.” That is true. But what good is a culture that slaps you in the face for living it? What good is a tradition that nullifies your efforts, a tradition that bears no fruits? Why would you hold on to a culture that “pelts you with stones” every time you try to do things in accordance with its norms? Tell me why?
Your fellow Lost Boys who left Africa in their mid-20s quickly felt the urge to make a family. They worked themselves lame; working during the night and learning during the day as they manufactured “dowries”. When they had saved enough money, they asked their cousins back in Africa to find beautiful girls to marry. And yes, the cousins did find girls. The dudes flew in to finalize matrimonial arrangements. In Kenya, they paid millions of shillings to the brides’ parents. Unfortunately, greed and pride set in. The poor guys were made to compete against one another in a bid to fleece them of money. He who presented more millions was awarded the girl while the loser went on another girl-shopping spree until he found another girl whose parents had “small hearts.” The competition over bride wealth also bred conflict amongst clans. The defeated dude would elope or abduct the controversial girl. This would flare up deadly clashes which at times left many people dead and others seriously injured, mainly at Kakuma camp.
Well and good. They quickly began resettlement process for their spouses. Many young wives relocated to US where they were reunited with their husbands, while others moved to Australia, along with their siblings. Another group of Lost Boys opted to rent houses in Nairobi and Kampala where their sweethearts lived, and some still do, with their mothers and brothers and sisters. The same Lost Boys sent their brothers in-law to “Kenyan schools.” Some of the sponsored in-laws just graduated from good Kenyan universities and others are yet to graduate. And the fathers in-law moved to South Sudan where they received part of dowries in form of cattle. Some of these in-laws spent the millions on more cattle and resumed pastoralist lifestyle in cattle camps. The urbane and enterprising in-laws ventured into business; they opened retail shops, restaurants and bars. Some even bought big trucks for business. And of course they prospered. Others squandered the bride wealth on alcohol and many other unimportant non-profit-making programs.
Do you see how your fellow Lost Boys helped elevate lives? Do you see the socio-economic role they played, play?
On the other hand, things do turn rough and unfavorable to most Lost Boys. A lot of uncertainties set in unexpectedly. In this account, I am going to categorize Lost Boys’ misfortunes and problems under wives, four types of wives. Let’s nickname them “nyanbots.” Nyanbot is a Dinka word that can loosely mean a girl worth of 100 herds of cattle.
The-do-not-get-along-with nyanbots: some nyanbots that joined their husbands in the Unites States do not keep the marriage vows. After a brief union, disagreements crop up. This is because the dudes never courted them at least to know them in and out before making them their wives. They got them through cousins or parents. So, when the daily drama in the house crescendoes and becomes unbearable, a nyanbot walks away, taking away the children. United States government policies are superb; the authorities normally take care of poor immigrant families. Therefore, she is thrown on Welfare with her kids until another man falls for her. Count that as a loss to Lost Boys.
The ‘temporarily infertile’ nyanbots; the other group of Lost Boys are never lucky enough to beget children with their nyanbots. The dudes use a lot of money on air tickets, to and fro, occasionally visiting Africa. In all the visits, a Lost Boy moves from hospital to hospital, city to city with his nyanbot, seeking treatment for the condition; impotence or barrenness, I don’t know. But unconfirmed report from people says Lost Boys swallow ‘anti-child’ tablets before boarding a plane to Africa. They have not told me why. And others say nyanbots swallow pills instead of using condoms, in their quest to fight unwanted pregnancies. Swallowing of those drugs comes about when a nyanbot decides to “kiss her former boyfriend (you can add letter S if you like) goodbye,” knowing that the Lost Boy will come soon to take her away. The pills have a long lasting effect on the reproductive system, depending on the type one swallows. Some can last as long as five years or more. I find truth here because after some marriages got dissolved some years ago, certain nyanbots did later bear children with different men, and some Lost Boys fathered children with new girls. Needless to say the important role played by a child in a marriage relationship, the two find no peace in the union; hence, the marriage goes up in a smoke. That is another loss to Lost Boys, a mountain of loss.
The promiscuous nyanbots: ‘We’ have witnessed many Lost Boys call it quits due to unfaithfulness in their nyanbots. Partly blame that on distance love. When they leave their young wives behind, irrespective of material love they shower them with, some nyanbots find it hard or impossible to live up to marriage vows. When some an anonymous wise man excogitated the saying, “out of sight, out of mind” tens of millennia ago, I wonder if he had Lost Boys and their nyanbots on his mind. While her loving husband serves voluntary life imprisonment abroad, in form of hard work, just to make her live a better life in Nairobi, Eldoret, Nakuru, Jinja or Kampala, a nyanbot chooses to cheat on him. She quickly rekindles love affair with her ex- boyfriends (you can remove letter S if you like). They do wild things together. They drink. They rev. And they even smoke marijuana together. Some of the nyanbots revisit girlhood and make new boyfriends, mostly young guys, niggas, who normally have stronger sexual stamina. They usually spend Lost Boys’ hard earned cash on them; mostly on expensive skinny jeans, shoes and alcohol. Again, Lost Boys lose here.
The real nyanbot: Nevertheless, some Lost Boys do get married to nice nyanbots – nyanbots that are impeccable, adaptable. Once they get married, they intentionally wisely lose contact with their former boyfriends and religiously dedicate their bodies, minds and time to their husbands. They are now living happy lives, whether they are living apart or not. Remember, this group of nyanbots has the tiniest number of girls Lost Boys shopped for in Africa.
In my mind, I see the Lost Boys as a group of good people caught between the end of one civilization and the beginning of another. They are being sandwiched between the two conflicting giant cultures. It’s a total mess. The ending civilization forces them to marry their parents’ choices. Unfortunately, those girls belong in the new civilization where freedom of choice tops the list of all freedoms.
The fact that most marriages that involve Lost Boys do not last long is simple. The girls they marry are found through connections. There is never any courtship involved. There is never any love, no romance. Their chemistry is ever wrong from the start. A Lost Boy’s mother calls him up and goes like: “my son, I saw the daughter of Chol-dit yesterday at the church. She is a sweet little girl. She is brown and has a beautiful gap between her teeth. She has big thighs too. She also has big breasts, the size of calabash. I think she can make a good wife.” Without hesitation, the dude sheepishly okays the proposition. Months or so later, he flies in with a lot of money to take his bride. Where is the love?
Girls’ parents are the worst catalyst in the whole thing. With money on their mind, most of them are always ready to say yes to any man who proposes marriage to their daughters, regardless of what the girl thinks about it. How do you expect such a marriage to last forever? Yes, many families break up in every corner of the planet but it is a little over exaggerated in the Lost Boys’ world.
In addition to huge amounts of monies lost and time wasted, jilted, heart-broken, drained, traumatized and dejected, a Lost Boy sinks beneath the sea of regret.
So, tell me my brother, where do you want to belong above? Remember, chances of you finding a real nyanbot are slim.
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