Ripening the bride to be
Cheating beauty executes sweet revenge on sly cousin
Jerk of all trades with MARK MUTAHI
Karma is nature’s way of punishing someone who has wronged us without having to lift a finger. It’s specially suited for people like me who are too lazy and too broke to execute their plans of revenge! Following cousin Meshack’s betrayal where he wooed Maureen away from me, I didn’t have to wait long to have the last laugh. I soon got a call from the landlord’s houseboy.
“You must come to the house right now,” the houseboy said. “Its about your brother.”
By brother he meant cousin Meshack or as I had now turned to calling him, curse-sin Meshack, since he was always sinning and had become like a curse to me.
“I don’t care,” was my initial reply. However, I soon got interested when he added, “Your brother is in a lot of trouble!” Who doesn’t love it when the person who has caused them so much pain is in trouble themselves! We were taught to love our enemies but there is no commandment against having a good laugh when we find them in a fix! This piece of news lifted my moods better than an Arsenal
loss!
For quite some time now, as a way of avoiding cousin Meshack and Maureen, I had buried myself in work by spending most of my time at the pub. This was pure escapism and thank heavens it’s not fattening otherwise I would only have needed a week to qualify as a sumo wrestler. Now I actually had the courage to want to leave the pub and go see cousin Meshack in pain. I immediately set out without even asking what kind of problem he was in. For an enemy, any problem is good enough!
Double trouble
Thinking that perhaps the kind of trouble cousin Meshack was in involved being made to clean Maureen’s clothes or something to demonstrate how whipped a man he was, I was shocked to find it was something I couldn’t have imagined — Maureen lead a double life!
Apparently cousin Meshack had decided to make an unannounced visit to Maureen. He knocked on her door hoping to surprise her. He was the one in for a surprise. He found another man clad in a towel opening the door for him followed by Maureen in a bathrobe.
Mad Man
Cousin Meshack had hit the roof demanding to know who he was but there and then Maureen denounced him calling him a mad man all the while swearing she had never seen him all her life and asked her fiancÈ to get rid of him. A confrontation ensued and it soon turned violent. The police were called and cousin Meshack was a guest of the State.
I knew what would follow. Soon I would be getting a call from him begging me to bail him out. He would whip emotions using such terms as ‘loyalty’ and ‘family sticking together’. All so nauseating coming from him, considering that having cousin Meshack’s talk about loyalty is like having MPs advocating the importance of paying tax. Or Tiger Woods preaching marital faithfulness.
Ripening the bride to be
At the Coast, brides take marriage counselling seriously. LINAH BENYAWA witnessed a counselling session and reveals why every woman needs it
It is said good things don’t come easy and so is a good bride. It takes time and energy to mould her to become every man’s dream.
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This is why brides at the Coast seek professional help from traditional marriage counsellors on how to treat their men and become exceptional in the bedroom.
It’s said that to make a man tick when he sees you, one must be willing to put extra effort or else you might lose him.
Crazy Monday went on a fact-finding mission to establish the details of traditional marriage training in the coastal city.
And on a chilly Friday evening, we drove to a home in Kisauni to witness a bride being taught and ushered into marriage life.
Our host, the marriage teacher popularly known as Kungwi, ushered us into a room. It was not an ordinary room!
It is spacious with an exceptionally soft and clean mat with white cotton bed sheets spread on one end. The curtains are shinny and the lights tuned to create a sense of relaxation.
This is an example of a bedroom set up, what every woman is supposed to have. But the bed had been removed to create more space for the exercise.
Crucial service
“The room should always be neat,” begins the Kungwi.
We were asked to remove our shoes and sit on a mat. And on another mat was the bride sitting cross-legged. She has been in that room for almost one week being taught various aspects of marriage life.
“She wants my services because she is about to get married. She has to be taught how to keep
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her husband,” explains the teacher.
The room has many types of lingerie. At the corner there was a small container with several beaded laces, razor blades, white handkerchiefs among other items. These items are used to make her ripe for womanhood.
First, she was told to remove all her clothes and wrap herself with a khanga (lesso). She then sat on the mat all ears to the Kungwi.
“You see this cooking stick and a serving spoon, the former symbolises a husband and the latter the bride. Like these items, the woman must always keep her man and herself clean,” she added.
The bride was told that every time a couple makes love, the wife must prepare a bath for her husband and herself.
Sensitive area
After that, the Kungwi took a razor blade and taught the girl how to shave her private area and also how to shave her husband saying it is a sensitive area that can influence a man to make a return trip or vanish. She explained that while shaving, the woman is supposed to utter sweet words to the husband as a way of expressing love, adding that she should always be down to earth, shave tenderly and avoid being rough and hasty.
“Though some girls usually come here while they have already shaved, a virgin bride has to take lessons on shaving. When a man sees that your privates are neat, he will respect you,” she said.
She then removed the white handkerchief, unwrapped it and showed her how to cleanse her man immediately after making love adding that the handkerchiefs should always be white.
The cleaning should also be more of a massage, adding that a man needs to be pampered and treated like a child, saying that is what ‘sets them ablaze’.
“This white handkerchief signifies the art of love making. It’s supposed to be on the bed every time the couple goes to sleep. One is advised to have several because it should be cleaned and dried in a hidden place immediately after the event,” she explained.
The bride was then given beaded laces. The teacher then tied them on her waist and asked her not to remove them because they increase sex appeal. The Kungwi said the laces are worn in pairs, but one can put on more.
Sensual way
And after tying the laces, she then showed her how to shake her waist, adding the art was everything that a man wanted.
She then demonstrated how to do chakacha dancing in an inviting and sensual way to boost the man’s morale and the woman’s physical appeal.
“I have to teach her how to shake her waist because it’s every man’s dream to have his wife do it well. It makes him go crazy,” she added.
She said the laces should be made of white beads and an extra one with red beads to be won when the woman is on monthly periods.
“You don’t have to tell your man that you are menstruating or let him see sanitary towels to prove you are not available for action. We advise wives to wear laces with red beads during that time to caution the husband that the waters have been stirred,” said the Kungwi.
The teacher also cautioned the bride to be always attentive to avoid being sent back home if she failed in her duty.
“I have to be careful and teach her everything. But the buck stops with her because she has to be attentive and practise lest she faces the embarrassment of being sent back to her parents. No man wants a lazy wife especially in the bedroom,” she said.
Wedding night
The bride, who got married on Saturday, said she wanted the services of the Kungwi to become the best wife.
“In our tradition, we have to go through this to avoid being a failure in marriage,” said the bride.
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She revealed she had never slept with her boyfriend and she had to be ready for the wedding night.
“Though it is embarrassing to remove all the clothes in front of a stranger and practise every move she shows you, its worth it because I am now aware of what I am supposed to do when I get married,” she adds.
Apart from the bedroom etiquette, she was also taught how to welcome and treat her in-laws, house keeping and managing family affairs.
“For one week, there are several things that I am supposed to teach her including cooking sumptuous meals,” she added.
The Kungwi has been doing this job for the last ten years and says she enjoys it knowing the lessons have made many marriages succeed. The 50-year-old counsellor has helped brides in Nairobi, Nakuru Lamu, Malindi and even Tanzania.
She has taught many brides after learning from her aunt since she was 15. After Form Four, she went into dressmaking and later engaged in business selling lessos, handbags and other household goods. Marriage counselling is her part time job and a hobby.
But the lessons are not for free. The family of the bride has to pay Sh2,000 and three lessos.
She said that nowadays, most clients are already aware of some bedroom techniques.
“A few years back, brides were very green. They now know a lot due to exposure to movies and pornographic material. But some of that material is quite misleading,” she cautioned.
“Although few brides are virgins, some parents find it wise to have their daughters taught to fore-stall trouble while in marriage,” she concludes
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