When daughters-in-law sabotage themselves
22 min read
By Billy Muiruri
Posted Friday, August 12 2011 at 18:00
IN SUMMARY
- Most women experiencing strife with their husband’s parents like to think that their mother-in-law is the one at fault. But what if the problem is simply one big culture clash
Stella Muturi, now married for 10 years, does not see eye to eye with her mother-in-law. Their relationship was lukewarm at the beginning, she says, until her husband started to build their own home.
“She said we were constructing too big a house yet we had only two kids. She thought we were wasteful and took offence when I tried to explain the importance of a big house,” says Stella, a secondary school teacher.
She explains the ensuing tug of war. “I said we had adequately budgeted for the house but she assumed I was the one pushing her son to spend thousands of shillings on it while we could do with a cheaper one. Things have never been the same,” says Stella.
Many women will tell you there is one, two or most of her husband’s relatives they do not get along with. But generally, it is the mother-in-law who is the source of most of the strife in a marital home.
Informal chats with women— some daughters-in-law and others old enough to be mothers-in-law— indicate this lukewarm, sometimes acrimonious relationships, often arise from what the daughters-in-law do or do not do.
Just what are some of the mistakes women do in new families and upset everybody?
You are ‘chairman of the family board’
You may be lucky enough to be in a family that recognises the input of all members in discussions and activities, but you are not the star in this script. Some members still view you as an outsider, or better, a subordinate member.
The moment you seek to take charge of their affairs, the more they will think their ‘son or brother’ has no say in your house.
Avoid giving opinions before consulting your husband. Tame your tongue and be restrained in your participation on family matters especially if it involves third parties. You can never be the family’s spokesman.
Fashionista extraordinaire
So, your appetite for fashion is high? Or like a paid up model, you don the latest hairstyles and newsest arrivals at the local clothes shop? Keep this to yourself.
Many families will think you are an extravagant leech out to squeeze every penny out of their son. This is regardless of whether you are employed or not. They’ll loathe you for this more than they will appreciate your nose for the latest fashions.
Many people in traditionally brewed families still think that a wife and mother should dress modestly. This is not to say that you change your lifestyle to endear yourself to your village-bred in-laws, but it will do you more good than harm if you do not seem to attract public attention for how you dress.
Showing too much flesh
This is related to the above, only that it specifically refers to the exposure of your body courtesy of your dressing.
Short skirts and exposed cleavage are a firm no go zone. In many instances, trousers can also bring issues. Decency in their presence will pay a lot of dividends for you.
No brother or father wants to know how sexy or hot you are. They are not supposed to think of you in this way, in the first place.
Many people, especially those bred in the rural areas, associate ‘nakedness’ with loose morals. Seeing your exposed body only serves to feed their fertile imagination and that is where they begin to see you as loose and not a decent sister or daughter-in-law.
Flashing the cash
It is understood that you are well educated, have a good job and are quite modern. But this is no license to overturn the style in which your husband’s family conducts its affairs.
They may still be poor or local in their thinking, but that is how they have been surviving (and brought up the man you chose to marry).
Over-running them with state of the art electronics, latest car models, utensils and sophisticated menus will just lead them to hate your lording it over them more than they will appreciate your attempt to improve their welfare.
Any changes should be made step by step, and it will do you more good if it is seen to be coming from your husband.Yes, some people in the family might seem drawn to all these trappings you offer.
However, these will be those with a tinge of inferiority complex or a sharp mind that wants to take advantage of your showiness. So avoid making overt displays of wealth or power.
Modern menus
As a modern woman, you may prefer to cook exotic, foreign food, and think that plain ugali and matumbo stew, for example, is beneath you.
But for your own good, restrict these sorts of recipes to your own house. Try these foods with your in-laws and they will brand you lazy.
When they visit, make sure you cook them some of the fare they are used to, which is also more filling than the pastas and steak dishes of today.
Don’t let them joke that your supper is an appetizer. Many people still value a woman by how full they become when you host them.
You miss family events
Writing in one of her blogs, writer Sally Richards says women have a soft spot for people who show concern about their special days. Your mother-in-law will never forget that you missed a certain family event. They rarely understand.
In fact, Dr Kerre, a sociologist, says many people regard skipping a family event as an act of rebellion or opposition to the goals such a meeting is meant to achieve.
He says, “Family events are a bonding session with your in-laws. The more you meet and interact, the more you understand each other.”
If your husband attends and you fail, they assume he isn’t in control of you. They think he cannot compel you to do, among other things, convince you attend a family function. Again, your absence is conspicuous and people will talk about it.
You are your own army
This has to with your defense mechanism. You score very little if you do not accept criticism, especially from your mother-in-law. Arguing with her does you no good. Do not proclaim to the world that she is archaic or wrong, or be stubborn.
Often, your opinions will differ on almost everything including bringing up your children, food, clothing, choice of dates and so on. Writer Richards actually declares being too defensive as the easiest mistake women make with their mothers-in-laws.
Be humble and polite and promise to look at the issue from her point of view—even when you know you are right.
You push everybody to share your interests
You obviously know what you want, what you like and what you don’t like. But expecting your mother-law and her daughters to enjoy the same movies, programmes, food, residential areas or even fashion sense will put you in a lot of trouble.
So when they come to your house, resist the urge to turn them into little clones of you and share your interests. It is more useful to make them feel like you are taking their likes and dislikes into consideration.
You are mean
Society is quite materialistic and your husband’s family will be keen to see what you are bringing to them, not what you are getting from them.
Experience has shown that daughters-in-law whose mother-in-law can show an array of appropriate gifts from her will have a defender when they clash with their husbands.
You do not have to buy respect by spending your income on relatives, but loosening your purse or offering assistance in kind may be the only thing you need to have a bit of peace in that home. It is worth it.
Spying on cheaters gets to a new level
By Kenfrey Kiberenge
Are you suspicious your lover, spouse, children, employees or business partner could be hiding something? Relax. A solution is finally here.
All you need is a high-end wap-enabled mobile phone, which you will present as a gift to your partner, whom you want to investigate.
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| Technology guru Charles Chepkonga offers clients a software that relays information from their partners’ mobile phones through a pre-set email address. [PHOTO: KENFREY KIBERENGE/STANDARD] |
Charles Chepkonga, the director of IT company, Smuffet Outsourcing, says with Sh15,000, he could install a software that could help you get a copy of all SMS, call log, location of the phone and all the names saved in the phonebook.
“The phone does not need to be expensive. We have done with phones worth as low as Sh8,000,” he says.
Dubbed Mobispy, the software will send information to a preset email address managed by the buyer.
“Let’s say your husband tells you he is working late within the central business district but you doubt. All you will need to do is log in to the email and trace the location of the phone. Unless he left it in the office, you can know his location because it gives a radius of 10m,” said Chepkonga. The IT expert says the technology can also be used to keep track on the location of students who lie they are in libraries or by managers who suspects their employees could be sabotaging the company by giving out classified information.
“The most popular reasons for using this application are finding out if your partner is cheating on you, keeping an eye on your children or teens, protecting your old parents, and using it to ensure your employees are doing what they are expected,” said Chepkonga.
He says he started offering the service two months ago and has so far done more than 20 mobile phones bought by suspecting partners.
“We have also had innumerable enquiries from many people but who would want to remain anonymous,” he said.
He said the idea came up as a result of the many attempts by Kenyans to bust their cheating partners.
“If you listen to a show like ‘Busted’ on Classic FM, you will understand the desire by many to know what happens in their partners’ lives. But that (show) can only serve a few people a day,” he said.
The law, however, does not allow the soliciting of another person’s data without a court order.
The system has been used by the police in resolving crimes that involve mobile phones. Law enforcement agencies can track down the location of a cellular phone through GPS as well as information on calls made and SMS sent from a phone.
Another almost similar technology caused abuzz in 2009 when East African Data Handlers Limited’s George Njoroge said he could retrieve deleted SMS and emails. Mr Njoroge says innumerable people have engaged the services of his company to have their partners investigated. And contrary to popular belief that women are the culprits in spying on their partners, he says Kenya has “very many jealous men,” who will do anything to know if their partners are unfaithful.
“We have recovered incriminating evidence…we normally burn the SMS in a CD or in text format and send them to our client. It is upon him or her to decide what to do with them,” said the MD.
Chepkonga procures the software prepaid from an American operator in form of a license. “The license is in a code format. This allows us to install it to clients anytime within 15 minutes,” he added.
He has installation technicians, who move to the location of clients who would want it done, discreetly.
Efficiency test
And unlike other companies that require you to send money before installation, Chepkonga says his clients must first test to confirm the software works.
“You only pay after installation and we allow you to test it there and then because it works immediately,” he said.
Another advantage of the software is that his company does not obtain the phone numbers of the person using the phone to avoid possibilities of blackmail.
“Never give out your spouses’ number; the person installing it can call or text to solicit for money, threatening to expose their wayward behaviour to you,” he added. Again, once installed, the client takes full control of personally monitoring the phone. “We show you how to change the password of your email, thereby enhancing confidentiality,” added Chepkonga.
Unwritten rules of dating
Men and women have a tacit code of conduct amongst themselves – The Bro Code and Chic Code. But is this Bible an excuse for pack rats or is it a guide to being a ‘brother’s keeper’. ALLAN OLINGO explores
A bro is prohibited from dating another bro’s sister and if this happens, it is a serious crime among guys. On the other hand, a girl should never date her girlfriend’s ex.
Welcome to the world of unwitten rules of dating — The Bro Code and The Chic Code.
The Bro Code is a set of unwritten rules that govern men’s actions written by Matt Kuhn and documented by Barney Stinson of the How I Met Your Mother TV comedy.
It provides men with tools to become a ‘bro’ and behave properly among other bros.
The Chic Code, on the other hand, is a loosely crafted rule drafted from The Bro Code, but with a bias to women.
Even though these codes have a high moral threshold, many people still break them. That explains why it is not rare to find a man dating his best friend’s ex, which is contrary to the silent rules.
Michael Odongo, a programme officer at an Australian firm, says The Bro Code is a cunning way for men to have fun at the expense of women.
He says: “It is an excuse for men to defend their wayward behaviours in the name of being each other’s keeper.
“How do you expect me to follow a code that states: “A bro shall find out from his fellow friends where a woman fits on the hot scale before pursuing her?” he poses.
“As much as most of the contents in The Bro Code touch on relationships, the intentions are selfish and retrogressive in the dating world,” he adds.
Betty Wanjala says the Chic Code still holds water depending on how close you are with your girlfriends.
She adds: “If you break the code, you have betrayed a friend.”
Betty admits that she would never do something against The Chic Code, especially dating her friend’s ex.
Secrets and cheating
“Some of the rules make sense but those that touch on secrets and cheating are tricky to follow,” she says.
Psychologist Kennedy Miduwa says that even though the written version of these codes has been wittily documented, men and women have long practised most of its contents.
“There are a lot of silent code of conducts between men and women which govern relations between both sexes,” adds Miduwa. Maina Kung’u, a customer care executive, says although much of the code has good moral intentions, many people choose to discard it.
“There is a rule that says, ‘Thou shall place bros before a woman’, yet many men will always be at the beck and call of their girlfriends,” he says.
Following this code to the letter, Maina notes, is impractical.
He quips: “It will be utterly irresponsible for me to live by The Bro Code at the expense of my woman.”
So what happens when one breaks the code?
“There is nothing much that happens when one goes against this code. But most of the time, your clique shuns you especially if you trespassed into someone’s personal space,” adds Miduwa.
Ann Mutua says the code among girls is a sensitive matter because going against the agreed rules has consequences.
“It is best to follow your instincts and never cross the line. I will always remain true to my girls, though there are many instances I have seen some of our friends go against The Chic Code, say by dating another girlfriend’s ex,” she says.
To shed more light on the subject, here are some of the contents in the book The Bro Code.
The Bro Code
Thou shall not covet your bro’s wife, fiancÈ or girlfriend. This is the most cardinal sin among bros.
Bro’s interests
Never put a woman’s wants before your bro’s. Simply put, if you are hanging out with your bro and your woman calls for you, ignore her. On the other hand, if you are out with a woman and a brother calls for your help, rush to his aid.
Sexual history
If a woman inquires about another brother’s sexual history, a bro shall honour the code of silence. It is better to have women think that all men are stupid than to tell the truth
Sexual relationships
A bro is prohibited from dating another bro’s sister. This is important because the relationship might fail and when this happens, it ends on a sour note. This is just to protect the relationship between two bros.
Interventions
Should a bro become smitten with love, his bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as a ‘bachelor party’.
Dealing with break-ups
If a bro suffers heartache after a break-up, bros shall offer nothing more than copious quantities of beer.
Handling introductions
When introducing a brother to a woman, a guy must potray him in good light especially if the bro has interest in the woman being introduced.
keeping secrets
If a brother asks another to keep a secret, he shall take it to the grave.
Dating
If a bro is hitting it off with a woman, his fellow bros shall do anything within their means to ensure the desired outcome is achieved. A bro shall not kill another bro’s’chances to score with a woman. It is also important for one to find out from his fellow friends where a woman fits on the hot scale before pursuing her.
Dealing with a bro’s ex
Bros are prohibited from making passes at their bro’s ex girlfriends. You should never go out with her until the time of ‘mourning’ passes. Mark you the ‘mourning’ period is forever.
http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/InsidePage.php?id=2000040680&cid=300&
Scramble for men goes to church
By Sophie Khakasa
A pastor’s wife is currently bedridden after getting a thorough beating from her husband. The pastor, name withheld, beat up his wife senseless at a public crusade in Pipeline Estate, Nairobi
, last week in full view of worshippers.
The well attended Eastlands crusade, organised by one of the Houses of Prayer churches in the city, had come to an end at about 6pm when a 30-year-old beautiful woman and choir member went to bid the pastor goodbye.
But the hawk-eyed pastor’s wife walked towards her and asked her why she had not gone home like other young women her age. Before she could explain, the jealous wife slapped her, tore her clothes and started fighting her, to the surprise of the crowd.
Hell broke lose
When the Pastor saw what was happening, all hell broke loose. He dropped his Bible, ran to the scene, grabbed his wife by her hair and pulled her away from the other woman. One could have thoughts the walls of Jericho had come tumbling down.
He shouted abuses at his wife as he punched, kicked and beat the “devil” out of her — in Jesus’ name. Efforts by the confused worshippers to separate the trio only seemed to incense him more. After other pastors had applied first aid, they took her to a nearby clinic where she was treated for a displaced jaw and soft tissue injuries.
“I don’t want to see that wicked woman again,” her furious husband shouted as some worshippers tried to calm him down.
But what happened at the Crusade is only a tip of the iceberg in a scene replicating itself in many churches across the country. Husbands are in high demand and single women are flocking churches on the hunt, just as they did last year when Nigerian Pastor ChrisOjigbani held a prayer meeting at KICC for women seeking husbands.
Marking territory
Whereas young women in Church were once welcomed and accommodated by the entire congregation, today, a section (married women) are hostile to them and will not allow them easy access to their husbands.
The married women fear that single women are not there to date single men, but their very own husbands. Thus, like a cat marking its territory in every room, so do the married church women tether their husbands.
In some churches, especially on Nairobi’s Ngong Road, married women even follow their husbands to the washrooms to protect them from the clutches of the single woman. “Husbands are scarce and if you let yours go, you will only have yourself to blame,” is the general rule.
A single woman visiting a church toilet shouldn’t, therefore, be surprised if several married women follow and monitor her movements until she resumes her seat.
Night club
The pastors’ wives are reportedly the most jealous and will not even offer single women a greeting or invite them home for tea. Neither do the married women visit the singles at home. Christmas holidays are said to be the loneliest for singles as no families invite them for Christmas lunch or dinner.
The scramble for husbands in churches has definitely taken an interesting turn. Before, women attending church would dress decently —short or covered hair, long skirts and full-length blouses. Today, they dress as if they are going on a date or to a night club.
They wear mini-skirts, huge, dangling earrings the size of ostrich eggs, nails painted red, spaghetti tops revealing bra-less chests and high heeled shoes with which they tap the church floor noisily as they collect offerings. They are further alleged to sing extra loudly to catch the Pastor’s attention with their fake angelic voices.
Some singles, their body language suggestively sexy and their lips painted a wild red, even approach the Lord’s table and partake of the Holy Communion in clothes that make the pastors’ knees wobble.
Mini-skirts
One choir member at a church on Ngong Road wears the shortest red mini-skirts in Nairobi and every Thursday evening during choir practice, she bends whenever the pastor passes to display her pair of flaming red pants! The pastor’s wife does not attend the choir practice any more. She seems to have been edged out of her husband’s territory.
Indeed, the way some single women have been scrambling to get the front seats in church pews leaves a lot to be desired.
Not only do they sit carelessly without crossing their legs, but openly expose their thighs to the Pastors at the dais. According to observers, some even wink at the pastors when people have closed their eyes for prayer, forcing married women to pray with their eyes wide open.
At a famous church on Ngong Road, a church elder-cum-lawyer, while filled with the power of the Holy Spirit, confessed seconds before giving the main sermon that he had been adulterous and named a certain single woman in the congregation.
The elder’s wife walked to the woman and gave her a thorough beating bringing the service to a halt.
Still, the greatest temptation for pastors are the suggestive dancing styles that would even put Fally Ipupa to shame.
The single women gyrate their hips in ohangla-like movements allegedly in the name of the Lord but really to seduce the pastor. Although the spirit is willing, the flesh is often weak and some Pastors fall for the trick.
Sweet Hour
Previous solemn hymns like “What a Friend We Have in Jesus, Nearer My God to Thee, Guide Me O Thou Great Redeemer, It Is Well With My Soul, Count Your Many Blessings Name Them One By One, Sweet Hour of Prayer”, have gone to the dogs, as they do not encourage seductive dancing styles. It is now Ndombolo ya Yesu time.
A now retired white pastor of a famous church on Valley Road tried by all means to reconcile couples in his church over adultery but after several years gave up with the words, “God cannot solve the polygamy problem in Africa. It is an African problem and God is yet to provide a miracle, a solution to this problem.”
Another pastor’s wife was so overwhelmed and enraged with illicit relationships in her church that during one of her sermons, she shouted at the culprits hysterically and warned them to leave. In a sermon entitled, “Second Wives”, she lost control of herself as she shouted: “Second wives, traitors, husband snatchers, go away! We don’t want you here! Go home!”
Some single women swaggered out of the service as “first wives” clapped loudly and shouted hallelujahs.
Keen listeners of local FM radio stations will have heard single women calling in to seek advice following botched relationships with their pastors.
“My Pastor has made me pregnant. It all started when I had problems with my fiancÈe. We got very close after I told him everything and one thing led to another. Please pray for me,” one young woman lamented on air.
So electrifying are pastors that some single women can hardly finish a sentence without saying, “My pastor this, my pastor that! I have to ask my pastor first! My pastor says we should do this!” For them, being led or leading the Man of God into a temptation is a walk in the child’s play.
Perhaps “polygamy” should crawl out of the church closet so that co-wife slaps can replace hand claps as few married women are clapping for the Lord anyway.
http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/InsidePage.php?id=200004216
A young bright man and his mom
One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.
He passed the first interview; the director did the last interview, made the last decision.
The director discovered from the CV that the youth’s academic achievements were excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never had a year when he did not score.
The director asked, “Did you obtain any scholarships in school?” the youth answered “none”.
The director asked, ” Was it your father who paid for your school fees?” The youth answered, “My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.
The director asked, ” Where did your mother work?” The youth answered, “My mother worked as a clothes cleaner. The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.
The director asked, ” Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?” The youth answered, “Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.
The director said, “I have a request. When you go back today, go and clean your mother’s hands, and then see me
tomorrow morning.*
The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back, he happily requested his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to the kid.
The youth cleaned his mother’s hands slowly. His tear fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother’s hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother shivered when they were cleaned with water.
This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fee. The bruises in the mother’s hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his graduation, academic excellence and his future.
After finishing the cleaning of his mother hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.
That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.
Next morning, the youth went to the director’s office.
The Director noticed the tears in the youth’s eyes, asked: “Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?”
The youth answered, ” I cleaned my mother’s hands, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes’
The Director asked, ” please tell me your feelings.”
The youth said, Number 1, I know now what is appreciation. Without my mother, there would not be the successful me today. Number 2, by working together and helping my mother, only now I realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done. Number 3, I have come to appreciate the importance and value of family relationship.
The director said, ” This is what I am looking for to be in my manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired.
Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and as a team. The company’s performance improved tremendously.
A child, who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wanted, would develop “entitlement mentality” and would always put himself first. He would be ignorant of his parent’s efforts. When he starts to work, he assumes that every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others. For this kind of people, who may be good academically, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel sense of achievement. He will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parents, are we really showing love or are we destroying the kid instead?*
You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers
and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will turn grey, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is that your kid learns how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learns the ability to work with others to get things done.
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