A Compilation of 40 Most Hilarious Quotes from President Robert Mugabe
June 1, 2016 (SSB) — Apart from being one of the longest-serving African heads of states, President Robert Mugabe is known for his witty and sometimes foolish quotes. Here’s a compilation of some of the hilarious quotes from the Zimbabwean President:
- Any man who successfully convinces a monkey that honey is sweeter than banana, is capable of selling condoms to a Roman father.
- Dear ladies, if your boyfriend didn’t wish you a happy Mother’s Day or sing Sweet Mother for you, you should stop breastfeeding him.
- He who swallows a complete coconut has absolute trust in his anus.
- Dear sisters, don’t be deceived by a man who texts you “I miss you” only when it’s raining, because you are not an umbrella.
- Swimming pool is more useful than Liverpool.
- If over 15 guys have sucked your breasts, you don’t need to call those things “your breasts”. It’s called COW BELL, OUR MILK! Repeat after me, OUR MILK!
- It’s hard to bewitch African girls these days. Every time you take a piece from her hair to the witch doctor, either a Brazilian innocent woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire.
- All I hear always is, ‘No sex before marriage?’ If that was God’s plan, then you would receive your penis or vagina on your wedding day.
- The only warning Africans take serious is LOW BATTERY.
- Men sucking lady’s breast is normal because the act was learnt in childhood when they were young but the act of lady’s sucking men’s d*ck is what baffles me. Where did they learn it from?
- Whenever things seem to start going well in your life, the Devil comes along and gives you a ‘girlfriend’.
- When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don’t take a goat as a friend.
- If you have attended over 100 weddings in your life and are still single, you are not different from a canopy.
- Dating a slim/slender guy is cool. The problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw Adidas lines on your face.
- If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with X-rays to see inner beauty.
- Respect pregnant women because it’s not easy walking around with evidence that you’ve had sex.
- Some of the girls of today can’t even jog for five minutes but they expect a guy to last in bed with you for two hours? Your level of selfishness demands a one-week crusade.
- I stopped trusting ladies when my class three girlfriend left me for another boy all because he bought a sharpener with a mirror.
- Nothing makes a woman more confused than being in a relationship with a “broke” man who’s extremely good in bed.
- Witchcraft is when a 24-year-old girl who cannot jog for five minutes expects a 40-year-old man to last for one hour in bed.
- Being dumped by a dark-skinned girl is the worst thing ever, because anytime you get home and see charcoal, you become emotional.
- Women with beauty and no brains, it is your private parts that will suffer the most.
- When one’s goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour’s soup gets suspicious.
- It’s better for a man to be stingy with his money because he hustled for it than a woman to deny you a hole she didn’t drill.
- Even Satan wasn’t gay; he approached naked Eve instead of naked Adam. Say no to same-sex marriage.
- If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to schoolgirls, just buy your wife a school uniform.
- It is every man’s dream to remove a woman’s pant one day but NOT when it’s on a drying line.
- Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newlywed wife but lately, there’s nothing as such any longer because it’ll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes and for Lorry fares!”
- Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow.
- We are living in a generation where people “in love” are free to touch each others’ private parts but cannot touch each others’ phones because they’re “private”.
- Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real.
- If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first.
- South Africans will kick down a statue of a dead white man but won’t even attempt to slap a live one. Yet they can stone to death a black man simply because he’s a foreigner.
- What is the problem? We now have aeroplanes which can take them back quicker than the ships used by their ancestors.
- Mr Bush, Mr Blair and now Mr Brown’s sense of human rights precludes our people’s right to their God-given resources, which in their view must be controlled by their kith and kin. I am termed dictator because I have rejected this supremacist view and frustrated the neocolonialists.
- Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end.
- A brave man is he who has a running stomach and still wants to flatulate.
- Journalist: Sir, don’t you think 89 years would be a great time to retire as a President?
Mugabe: Have you ever asked the Queen this question or is it just for African leaders?
- Interviewer: Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?
Robert: Where are they going?
- My dear ladies, please don’t buy a selfie stick when your armpit itself needs a shaving stick.
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