Posted: May 3, 2018 by PaanLuel Wël Media Ltd. in Junub Sudan

“The most frightening thing in this world is who we are, ourselves. The more we are in a good harmony with our single self, the more we are able to change and improve on the life of others ; and the more we are in battle with our filthy thoughts and deeds about our single self , the more likely we are prone to hate ourselves followed by an intense feelings of committing suicide.”



It’s raining cats and dogs outside of my room,

Making the wall of my room tinted with mist,

The light that glows on the ceiling board went off,

The darkness filled up my cubical,


I could not see my own shadow,

No any art of design displayed on the walls visible,

Everything was in a serene silent,

I could only smell the aroma of my cooked sukumawiki,

There was totally no doubt in me that I sensed something,

Dribbling down my nerves!


Could it be marijuana again?

Could it be that little migraine of the brain?

Could it be the effects of chilly weather or long term effects of cooking?

What could it be?


I feel I should rest,

Perhaps, I may understand the jolts and nuts battling in my mind,


As I threw myself onto my bed made of empty crates,

Well arranged to form a rectangular shape,

Proportional to my slimy skeleton body shape;

I covered myself up with a heavy- torn- kenja –kind- of -blankets,

To warm up my chilly body.


Trying to catch of that thing insinuating me,

Series of endless questions entered my bamboozled mind,

Tis’ cause a kerfuffle unto me,

It drove me into the gone yore of my genealogy,

I find myself shouting to myself;


“Why was I born?

Why am I struggling?

Why am I in school?

Why am I here?

Why am I not married?”

(The rhetorical questioning session of self-image continues 😉


Why am I living in incarceration of myself?

Why am I not having personal freedom like many other youths?

Why am I always the ill talk of the community?

Where is my future?


As this battle commenced,

The battle of the mind on oneself,

That I knew not where it came from;

And confused it with a mere headache,

I could not utter any syllable that befitted me,


I started seeing the wrong side of me in black and white,

The different me in the mind,

I believe I was not hallucinating;

I saw a living dead person right inside my mind,

Dead in morals and attributes,

Dead in dreams and visions,

Dead in present and future;

That was me with no doubt.


I started fearing myself when I saw all these in my mind,

I started hating myself with venom,

I hate me,

I hate you,

I hate us,

I never knew that I was this mediocre.

(Slowly speaking to myself, I uttered out in sigh of relief the following words that break me free from the locked prisons of life)….


“Darkness I was in,

Darkness I am in,

Darkness I will be in,

(And with increased voice intonation, I blurted out)…


“Darkness; opened up myself and let me see me from inside”,

The worst me that had been in battle with the good me in my mind;

With vivid memory,

I recalled it all;


I recalled the night I was drank up with siko by my comrades,

I recalled the day I moved in with whores in the public clubs,

I recalled the day I took weed, marijuana,


I recalled the day I disobeyed my parents and left home,

I recalled the day I sneaked from school,

I recalled the day I was expelled from school for fighting,


I recalled the day I raped my own cousin in the dark night like this;

I recalled the day my colleagues and I went on playing sex with She-goats,

I recalled the day I stole my dad’s money and watch; to go play gambling game,


I recalled the day I drove a knife into a lady’s breast for refusing to have sex with me,

I recalled the day I was tortured in prison for creating ethnic clashes,

I recalled the day I advised my girlfriend to abort three times my children,

(With shame, I trembled fearfully of what the hell I went through in the name of being young and enjoyment with ecstasy not knowing the fate ahead of me in the dark)


Indeed I am a criminal,

Indeed I am a lackluster,

Indeed I should be hung to death.


I should better die than live with this shadow on earth,

I forced myself out of the bed to see myself in a mirror in the dark,

The mirror on the wall of my room; by shining on it a touch,

But like a cat seeing another cat on mirror,

I broke the mirror into pieces with my fist,

Because I hate the figure I saw right inside there.

(Standing aloof with the broken mirror in front, I wondered what to do next; series of questions reverberated back to my mind and again ejecting the battle to the peak)


Will I ever live?

Will I ever be successful?

Will I ever change my mad- manners of living?

Will I one day be an epitome of decorum?

If many criminals changed on their life,

Will I ever change and who will change me?


In a very confused and awkward style,

I screamed at the top of voice,

Very scared of myself,

The devil was in me; what a solitude!


Standing still with agility,

I frog marched myself to the shelf where I placed my sukumawiki knife,

I trembled a lot as I wanted to commit suicide,

So that myself is forgotten in the bad book of life on earth.


The guilty conscience in me has reached to the peak,

Transfixed on the ground; still I battled,


Battle with issues of living; with a knife on my right hand,

Battle with an armor of death; with a knife on my right hand,

Battle with the bad image as a youth of twenty one seasons; with a knife on my right hand,

Battle with a bad blood of criminology and sins; with a knife on my right hand.


Without much ado,

I directed the knife on my right hand toward my heart,

The disturbed heart that had sores, wounds and scars of bad life,

I wanted to break this bad heart into pieces so that I am relieved.


As I tried to released it, the knife;

Something interrupted me,

Something that frightened me,

Something that was more powerful than my worst self,

Something horrible;


Something that made me cried out my wits,

Something that I knew not that it was going to change me!


It appeared at the doorstep of heart,

And at the anterior frontal part of my face,

Forming blurred vision images that made- me- mad,

As if I was again on my cannabis sativa,


I closed my eyes and composed myself to solace,

The room then got filled up with bright light,

Bright light in the darkness,

The splash of light, in astonishment; threw me on the ground with a thud,

Separating me from the dagger I was holding in my hand,

(Then there came a deafening voice, with a loud thunder that shook me to the roots of my existence)


“Get up young man,

You are still needed,

You have not fulfilled the course of your living on earth,

Your atrocities are many,

But you have been forgiven,

Start a new life and follow The Christ,


Serve your God and put Him first,

Your heart will be renewed,

And the battles of your life will ebb away!


Believe it that,

The Christ who died on cross has given you salvation,

Wake yourself up.




You have become in,

The Kingdom of God,

And in,

Jesus Christ.


Gone was the voice,

I then felt a tenacious grip on my neck from nowhere,

And as I put myself together;

The battle in my mind subsided,


I sat on my bed innocently again,

And gradually, I mumbled some words of prayer,

In my new heart,



“God, I have seen your Grace,

It was the same Grace that converted the Apostle Paul,

Help me be a new creature,

Help me forget the worst that I did to the mankind,

And help me build on a new stage of my life,


Forgetting the battles of the past of my mind,

And learn to love and follow,

My own shadow even in the dark,

Oh! God help me.

(As I finished with that prayer, there came a light that had disappeared and in the whole night, I remained awake meditating upon my life that I had wasted and what I should do with the new me as a youth who is still robust and outstanding!)


“I will follow my own shadow even in the dark”.

ADOL AKUEI, the author of this poem is a student at Moi University, College of Health Sciences, school of medicine, Eldoret, Kenya. He is the current Secretary General of Moi University South Sudanese Student Association (MUSSSA). He was the former vice chairman of Greater Bor South Sudanese community in Bungoma, Kenya. You can reach out unto him through his email;

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